I found out… just a few days ago. I’m still kinda confused. One day I was browsing reddit without signing in (this was a long time ago). There was a post about a gay man. I usually search a lot of things on wikipedia, so I found an article about him, too. Having mistaken the word gay with something else, I was very confused why the article kept saying “with his husband” (I thought it was a typo or something, but it was repeated a lot of times). So, that was how I found the correct meaning of the word… and I did not like it. And I also suspected myself. I don’t know when I started questioning myself exactly. My diary shows the question was there for a much longer time than I actually recall. I’ve reffered to it as The Am I question. Then one day, I was reading something entirely different on wikihow, but I somehow landed on the Am I Gay quiz. The answer was “you’re probably straight.” I wasn’t sure so I opened the page that read “How to find out if you’re gay.” That’s how I found out, and I’m sure about it. I took the quiz more carefully… the answer changed. But I do live in a country which doesn’t treat LGBT people right, and I don’t know what to do. Also I feel so guilty… I used to think LGBT people are bad. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I understand more now, about myself and people like me. Also I understand why my idea of having a girlfriend is the same as I was 7 years old.

I think my first hunch was when I watched V for Vendetta at age 12 and the sub-story about the lesbian couple really struck a cord in me. At that point I didn’t think that I was like them, but at the same time their harsh fate made me really afraid something similar was gonna happen to me. The experience was pretty confusing, and I eventually pushed it out of my mind.

Then I started 7th grade, and I became more confused because my friends were talking about cute guys and I did not get what the fuss was about. The final realisation came when I started 8th grade, so around when I was 14, because I developed a massive crush on my best friend at the time. Nothing came of it, but after that I knew I was definitely attracted to girls and not guys.

Around 16 I started realising my gender identity wasn’t cis either, but I only cleared up that conundrum last year at 25. After many conversations with my partner, I came to accept that I’m agender.

It’s all been quite the journey and I think I may still change along the way.

A lot of these narratives often focus on a pivotal point during life where people realize something they had been suppressing or the first time they realized their feelings towards others (or themselves) didn’t fit the most most prevalent narrative. My narrative is a little bit different. I don’t think I’ve ever really questioned how I feel about things - I just feel. The only question around feelings I tend to have is what to do with those feelings.

My whole life I’ve struggled a lot with loosely defined social concepts. Etiquette is a good example of a loosely defined social concept. What polite behavior is varies based on who you’re talking to, where you are, what you’re doing, what income bracket you’re in, and a billion other factors. It always made me wonder, why do we simplify to this single word? Why say that’s polite or impolite, when we could say something more accurate like “that kind of behavior causes people to be upset” or “you’re not being very considerate when you say that” or “we have a set of rules here and you’re breaking them and we do not tolerate that” or whatever is appropriate to the offense.

Because of this, while I do pay attention to these words and how other people use them (we live in a society 😔), I never developed strong narratives around them. Being born a certain way never made me feel like I had to do certain things or feel a certain way. I’ve always been attracted to people in a vaguely amorphous way based on a lot of different factors and in different ways. Some people are more attractive to me mentally than physically, but a strong physical connection can improve the mental and vice versa. I like being emotionally intimate with people, but I don’t feel like emotional intimacy is something that can only be sought after in a romantic context (just stop for a second and ask yourself what romance is, if you’ve never questioned it).

This is just a long preamble to say, to me it’s not about figuring it out. There wasn’t one moment. There’s been a bunch of moments, however, when I found someone’s narrative that matched mine and it gave me a new word I could use to describe myself. As I collected more and more narratives in the world from people that resembled me in different ways, these labels have shifted over time. As I spent time exploring the depths of these feelings, I figured out more behind why I wanted to act in certain ways or have others perceive me through a particular lens.

In terms of sexuality, the first label which I realized fit me was bisexuality. Over the years I changed this to pansexual because I liked the focus of people over their gender. Gender is unsurprisingly one of these amorphous social constructs that I do not understand. It took me a while to realize that some of my discomfort was around how I wanted others to perceive me and how I needed to change some of my presentation in order to get that treatment. At first I was just a cross-dresser, tapping into a deep-seated desire when the need pushed itself to the surface strongly enough. Eventually I realized that I was bottling up certain feelings when I presented to the world in a manner which didn’t really align well with how I felt. When I started expressing more subtly or slightly in that direction in the day-to-day, it felt less like my gender exploding out of a container which was being suppressed, and more like a happy medium. I redefined my gender from fluidity to non-binary and eventually to agender as I realized that the way I think about gender is not so much my feelings, but managing how others feel about and respond to me.

Speaking of amorphous social constructs, coming to the realization that I was also aromantic took an extremely long time. I strongly desire physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, and basically all forms of intimacy and both pursue and suggest many of them with my partners. I’ve had partners who felt that we had an extremely romantic relationship. But I never understood how people framed how they talked about other people - why certain people were matches and others weren’t, and how they would know this right away. This isn’t how I view sexuality either - some people are physically very attractive because they take care of their body and have the right genetics and most of these people I’d very much like to have sex with because they are pleasing, but it wasn’t until I realized that there is just some innate feeling that people get, which isn’t necessarily based on the characteristics of the person but is just… like there… as a feeling… sometimes? That’s wild to me. I don’t understand this. I probably don’t understand this because I don’t also have this feeling - my feelings are more directed. I feel like I want to be intellectually intimate with someone who is smart or shares certain intellectual thoughts - the feeling happens after the connection or recognition of traits. Aromantic took me a long time to adopt as a label for the same reason (and it would not surprise me if I adopt gray-ace or some other aspec identity eventually), in that common narratives around a feeling just did not resonate with me, despite doing a lot of ‘romantic’ behavior because I value intimacy.

Gods I am extremely dumb. I (cis fem) had crushes on girls for over a decade before I realised I had crushes on them.

Age 13 - “No I just like looking at her and think she’s really pretty”.

Age 16 - “No I just like her aesthetic. It’s gorgeous”.

Age 20 - “Ok I might kiss a girl a little bit, but I wouldn’t do anything else with her. I like boys anyway.”

Age 23 - “I just like looking at women naked. They’re so pretty and glamorous, who wouldn’t want to look at them? It doesn’t mean I’m gay or anything.”

(Spoiler alert: It totally meant that.)

Eventually figured out (with the help of my partner) I’m bi with a preference towards feminine traits, not necessarily women but anything seen as classically femme - long hair, long eyelashes, makeup, soft body, painted nails, a soft smile. Also kindness, gentleness, etc. There’s probably plenty more things I can’t think of. (Apparently my attraction is kinda misogynistic).

When I was 19 I started dating a boy with some of those traits and I thought I was winning at life. Then that boy turned out to be a girl and she got the rest of those traits and now I am winning at life. And walking down the street with her and holding her hand and being able to show her off and think “this is my girlfriend” makes me extremely happy - for the both of us. More than it ever did before.

A friend of mine asked me to take a Kinsey scale quiz for fun, and the result was that I was asexual. Then my friend said that didn’t seem right, so I retook it and it said I was bisexual.

It ws only when I met my boyfriend and developed feelings for him that I figured out: A) I think people are sexy, regardless of gender (hence my initial confused identification as bisexual); and B) I don’t need or want to have sexual intimacy with anyone, ever. Physical intimacy is fine, though.

It’s going to sound pretty awful at first but I grew up in a very conservative area with conservative family (my dad being very conservative (like literally far-right now)) and queer folk made me pretty uncomfortable, so I was a homophobe for far too long. The encouragement of my dad and grandparents making it worse.

I also became an alcoholic at a very young age (12) and a part of that was how much queer people made me uncomfortable.

I was like 16ish when I became friends with a girl who got me to ask myself why they made me uncomfortable. And I realized it was because I was envious of them being able to openly be themselves which started a path of self discovery.

On that path to self discovery I discovered I was bi and eventually was in a polycule with that girl and a guy, both of which I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Shitty things happened which led to both of them being gone now, but I’m still here and I’m going to carry on spreading love and hope to those who need it

I’m a polyamourous biromantic demisexual, and I’m proud of that fact. It took me too long to realize it, but I hope to be the person I should have been from when I was a kid. And I spread love and acceptance wherever I go. At the very least to honor what little memories of them I still have.

I hope to someday be the person that they knew I could be before I knew it myself.

Love is love people

I was the stereotypical tomboy growing up: I hated the colour pink, had no interest in dolls, and actively fought against being put in dresses. When puberty began between 5th and 6th grade, I cried at being unable to fit my favourite hand-me-down clothes from my older brother. I was miserable when my mom took me shopping for training bras.

I lived with a persistent feeling that something was off about me and my life until one morning in 10th grade journalism class. While browsing the net on a school laptop, I happened to come across the Wikipedia page for transsexual. I’d never heard of it before. I read the page from top to bottom during that class. My heart was racing, I had chills, and I felt scared for seemingly no reason. Everything seemed to click into place in that moment, and I knew I was reading about myself.

Naturally, my sexuality flipped from heterosexual to homosexual. It felt natural and right and how things were always meant to be, and I never had cause to question it.

Smol me “I don’t get whats the big deal with everyone just liking boys or girls, I think they’re both pretty neat!”

Slightly less smol me at the age of 14 “Oh they have a word for that, neato!”

Me right now “You know I ain’t fully vibing with the being a guy thing but being a girl doesn’t seem to fully fit either, hmmmmmm”

Guys I think my general indecisiveness has spilled over into my sexuality and gender identity what do? :c

Strahd himself is asking this? I’m star-struck!

Hm, but to try to answer this… I used to play a lot of EverQuest back in the day, and at one point upgraded to EverQuest 2. I was pretty open when talking to people online, even though I was a little kid, just chatting up random players while leveling and regularly inviting random people to groups just to have someone to talk to.

At one point I met some other player who was playing a rat man (Ratonga?) and he and I played for a while while chatting randomly about life or whatever. At some point I must’ve expressed confusion about how I felt about a male friend of mine, and this player very calmly and patiently explained same-sex attraction to me. I’d gone to a private Catholic grade school and never had much information about queer anything to this point, so it was a bit of a shock to me.

Thankfully, this player was so patient and kind with me, talking about their own identity as an adult gay man, how happy they were, what their life is like, and really helping me to understand that it’s normal, it’s healthy, and in many ways it’s fun.

I think back on that encounter occasionally and I think about how genuinely impactful and helpful it was for me. We didn’t talk for very long, but it left such a lasting impact on how I view myself. Without it, I may have lived with a lot of shame and confusion for a lot longer.

Sometimes I wonder where he is, and if he knows how much of an impact he had.

I had a few other interactions on MMOs that were similar, after this encounter, trying to find other people like me who I could look up to. Surprisingly, many people were very friendly to me and willing to talk about their lives and explain things. It was my very first interaction with the community, and it was all virtual through games. So many people helped me out when I was experiencing a lot of confusion. I wish I’d had that help in real life, but at least I did find it somewhere.

Right around when puberty started hitting, I suddenly no longer had any attraction to girls. Before that, I used to have crushes on girls. Then, I started looking at gay porn, telling myself it was gross but I kept coming back to it. Pretty quickly, that was the only porn I was watching, and I started having crushes on boys at school.

There were signs when I was younger. I think I had crushes on boys but didn’t know that’s what it was because I didn’t know it was a thing. I was more feminine, had mostly girls as friends, played with dolls, etc. Other people knew I was gay before I did.

I got a queer friend when I got in to high school. They quickly became my best friend. I was very upset that apparently God didn’t like them very much. Took a couple years to realize I was crushing super hard.

I’m acearo and NB, I mostly figured out by seeing queer tumblr posts on pinterest (of all places). I was super jealous of trans boys/men posting and wished I “didn’t have to be a girl”. Looking back, I honestly never identified with my AGAB, and for a very long time didn’t really get what the big deal was about different genders. Like even in kindergarten, kids tended to be friends with the same gender a lot, and I had no idea why I was just grouped in with the girls instead of just being a kid.

I thought I didn’t have a choice and had to do all those things like it was mandatory. Just seeing people post about it online made me realize that “oh so being asexual is a thing!! I wanna be that!! I don’t want to HAVE to do romance!” Yeah that was a relief.

This happened when I was about 14, so I learned I was different instead of having the whole having a crush and other shenanigans.

I was 11, at the start of my a bit early puberty, when I found out that I was quite probably bi after having one crush on a boy, which then surprised me. Later on I found out that I also was cis male even if I occasionally thought about not quite fitting in the stereotypical role of one.

It really took a 1-2 punch for me to really break through the years of being raised with this being kind of a mix of abhorrent and just not even discussed.

1. I asked my partner with all her health issues if she’d swap bodies with me and she said no because she didn’t want to be a boy. That was the first actual crack in the shell.
2. I watched SPOP and

I’ve never been happier.

I’m still questioning personally (well really mostly just haven’t fully accepted myself yet) but I know the exact moment that made me start questioning. I joined a discord server that was LGBTQIA+ friendly and they had a bot that lets your select your pronouns and when faced with the question of “What pronouns do you use?” I hesitated instead of immediately making a choice, which started me down the path I’m on now.