I am very comftable with he/him pronouns. Always was but recently I noticed that while I don’t go out of my way to use them I’m also fine with they/them pronouns being used on me.
It could be a phase but I’m not sure. It could also be that I tend to use they/them as an alternative in. I’m confused
I realise it’s kind of unhelpful to say “labels don’t matter”, but… labels don’t matter. Or, perhaps more precisely, they come with time.
A lot of the time, as a (presumed) cis person, you get a trans 101 that is really simplified, where genders always fit into neat boxes and everyone “just knows” which of those boxes they fit into and they care very much about being in that box. Even the non-box, being non-binary, gets made into a box. But really, gender is this whole universe of possibilities, and we each have our own. We live in societies that clump that infinite array of possibility into two, or if we’re lucky, three categories, but that doesn’t mean your own individual gender fits neatly into one of those categories, nor that your gender is just like that of people who ended up in the same category as you.
You have the freedom to figure out what your own gender looks like, to figure out how you do gender. That can mean experimenting with clothing, makeup, names, pronouns, whatever feels interesting to explore. You might be trans. You might be a gender non-conforming cis person. You might be a cis person who’s just not particularly strongly gendered and going with the flow. But you get to define how you do gender and if you figure out that that comes with a label that’s useful to you, great. If it doesn’t come with a label, it’s a bit tiresome, to be honest, but you’ve not done something wrong.
I started off this way. It felt fine, and it was just over time that I began to consider myself more “they” than “he”, mostly because I didn’t really know what made me feel like a “man”. I’m just me, and now “he” feels like a shirt that fits but isn’t my favorite.
How do I experiment with they/them?
I just started referring to myself with exclusively neutral pronouns and if friends noticed (I had a lot of queer friends in high school) I’d be like “yeah, I’m using they/them”. There’s also instances where you might have an opportunity to give your pronouns (a few years ago we called it “preferred pronouns” but that terminology has fallen out of favor) to a group in a school activity.
But I was fortunate to grow up in a socially progressive region and go to pride marches and events from like 13-14 onwards, so I felt safe to do it like that.
Yeah, sadly I don’t have any queer friends. One hates pronouns and the other seems OK but I risk being outed
You haven’t actually mentioned out in what way - for me, I’m non binary and more or less can “pass” as a straight person even when in a relationship, if I’m with someone who’ll get clocked as feminine at least.
If it’s something like that for you, it can be easy to subtly shift how you present and talk about yourself. Using neutral terms for yourself without acknowledging or making a big deal about it, for example.
I also know people who were “ironic” about being gay or trans for years as a cover. Not sure if that’s healthy tho
This is gonna sound stupid but how does one look non binary? Guess I could use neutral terms but not sure how and where I would get opportunities to
It can vary. If you met me in person, you would probably assume I’m a man. I was “assigned male at birth” as it’s called, grew up viewing myself as a boy, and didn’t come to this understanding of myself until my 20s. I have a beard; I wear men’s pants, men’s shirts, and men’s shoes. I will bleach my hair and dye it when I have the executive function or help, and I’ll paint my nails (or my often, let my friends pant them).
That said, I did go by “he/they,” since probably 16, as I grew up in a socially liberal area, it was common in high school to introduce yourself with your name and pronouns as early as 2013, and I thought "I think being referred to with neutral terms feels cool and better almost?). I am attracted to women for the most part, but I’ve crushed on a couple guys in my day, not to mention other “nonbinaries”.
Furthermore, I’ve always been on the “alt” side of various subcultures and genres like Goth genres of music, science fiction, and have always felt drawn to more feminine-looking appearances of cis men, from something as simple as skinny jeans (still sold in the men’s section tho) to wearing a full-length skirt. Ironically, a lot of the time, as someone in North America, to look non-binary, you dress like a European man ;).
Saw this article posted here earlier that seemed helpful, at least for me, speaking as somebody new to this whole thing: https://www.teenvogue.com/story/9-things-people-get-wrong-about-being-non-binary
It’s less “if I’m fine with both he/him and they/them that must mean I’m not cis” and more “I really dig the idea of being nonbinary/whatever non-cis identity because it resonates with how I understand my gender”
Like, you can be cis and use he/they if you want to. You get to decide what you vibe with. Try pronouns and clothes and identities on. Do a mental identity drag show. Be messy and weird and look at things upside-down and backwards on occasion. Experiment.
You’re the authority on you. Nobody else knows you like you do - so try it all, then come back and let us know what you found out!
Yes! I really like this answer :)
Hoping to just add another perspective, not to give any advice because I really don’t give this much thought.
I am a man, I didn’t choose to be a man but I’m okay with it.
I don’t have any desire to change my gender or ask others to refer to me in a specific manner. He/him/they/them works for me and unless I am in a medical setting, I doubt I would even noticed if someone used she/her.
I don’t associate my choices and actions with “being a man” or whatever. The whole masculine/feminine thing doesn’t make sense to me.
I wear the clothes I wear because I like the way the look and feel, it may not be typically “masculine” to wear skirts but I’m a grown ass man so I’ll do what I want.
I haven’t experienced gender dysphoria so I can’t say anything about what it is like but it is a medical condition and if you’re really concerned then maybe you should talk to your primary physician or mental health professional.
I still remember the first time someone asked me “are you a man?”. He was trying to make a point, to get me to step up, and I think he was as much taken aback as I was when I literally could not answer the question. At the time it wasn’t so much about gender identity but more about how I still considered myself a kid even though I was 19, and I had never even contemplated the question before.
Despite that, it DID actually get me to thinking about it, and I’ve continued to think about it for another 35 years. And I’ve come to realize, gender has no meaning to me. I didn’t even know that was a thing until I recently looked through the wikipedia LGBTQ+ page and realized there’s all kinds of different terms for people in my position. All my life I’ve been called “sir”, “ma’am”, and “hey you”, and none of it makes me feel any different. I usually wear men’s clothes, but enjoy a night out in a tight corset and extreme heels. I’m happy just experiencing everything in life and I’ve never let society’s norms slow me down
It’s nice to finally know there are others out there like me though. And it’s perfectly fine to identify as any gender that feels right to you, or no gender at all. Life is good, do what makes you happy.
I can remember a similar circumstance and I remember it well, if it means anything to you, I wish my father was more like you.
Maybe I wouldn’t have had such a rough time with a better role model. Maybe my father would have done better too but that’s food my for my thoughts.
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Pronouns are like hats, many can fit you but you will inevitably find one you like more than the others. There’s no rush in finding yours. Feel free to try on a few and see how they fit you. Exploring yourself as a person is a life long journey and if you happen to find you are more comfortable with they/them instead of the given he/him, go for it.
This coming from an agender who just wants my pronouns to fit my appearance at the time. And thanks to being a dad-bodded construction worker, it’s basically going to stick with he/him in person for most of my life.
I totally agree, but wanted to add that on top of what you describe we get told that we should wear certain hats while others are strictly forbidden. This can seriously inhibit your ability to notice if one hat fits better than another. I’ve got so much internalized transphobia that I can often not really say what I want. What I do now is trying to slowly unlearn stuff and permit myself to try out more. But it’s a really slow process unfortunately :/
I’m sorry to hear that you are having issues, though I am delighted to hear that you’ve noticed them. That really is the main step needed to correct the upbringing bug. I’m currently working on getting a few relatives who are transphobic to realize the hateful stuff they put on social media is really not OK.
Well, I guess everyone has issues like these. Just like everyone has sexist, racist, etc thought patterns. Everyone has to consciously unlearn them. It is just extra hard if you not only notice these thought patterns but are also affected by them…
How do I experiment with it?
If you can’t do it in person due to unsupportive types, there are plenty of sympathetic discords you could join to strike up a few conversations within then to try them on. One of the ones I’m in has a very active voice chat and often has groups hanging out and playing games.
Nothing wrong with being comfortable with they/them pronouns but still considering yourself cis. Labels are useful, but ultimately not important; you are you!
If you want to experiment a bit, go for it! Maybe there’s something to explore. Maybe it solidifies that you are cis. Great! A lot of people are rigid with these things, but it doesn’t have to be. Do what feels right; labels can come later, or not at all, and that is all okay :)
After reading what you’ve written, I want to agree with “you are cis and have aesthetic choices”? I mean that you can identify as masculine, but it’s fine to prefer they/them on certain days and like nail polish and bracelets. Masculity shouldn’t be thought of as being forced to be a certain way or act a certain way to qualify. Sure, some things are more associated wih masculinity, but in the end, you decide how you express yourself, and no-one else. Gender expression should be open to individual choice, same as how you define your gender identity.
Just confused. How do I experiment with this. Kind of excited about the possibility of not being cis. How do I explore this non binary part of me? Maybe I’ll find a label
I guess take it slowly and explore how self expression makes you feel? There might be a newfound euphoria in trying all the things at the same time, but I’m worried that this might lead to unsafe things, or maybe unsafe people.
Finding yourself is a marathon that can take a whole lifetimes worh of experiences, so take your time. I would suggest finding stuff to read, watch and listen to, that will give you more context to your experiences, maybe even new people to talk to?
I can try to dig up more resources, but I’ll starg with a local one: https://en.seta.fi/lgbti-rights-in-finland-seta/materials/ Seta is a Finnish ngo that works with LGBTQ members of society, providing support, resources and aims to further their position through political influence.
I’m in Malta so rights are good here. Don’t know how to express this part of my gender.
They have other resources too, about gender identity, finding yourself and finding a community. Do you have an idea on what would make you feel good? If everything were possible, what would you wish to change in your day-to-day life, so that it would feel more comfortable, more like you?
Speaking to different people about how they went through similar life situations could help you maybe find a way for you to explore yourself. Maybe there are safe spaces near where you live, that you could pop in to and talk with some people? Like a LGBTQ-friendly community night or something? Or maybe even using lemmy spaces, reddit or other online spaces to find people who could talk with you about their own processes?
I’m cishet, so my experience will be different, but if it’ll help, I can share it.
My only safe space is the internet. As for my identity idk. Probably cis maybe not. Not sure what I would like. 80% I’m cis with he/they pronouns
They/them is for everyone (who wants it). Its normal to refer to binary gender people as “they/them/their.”
Unless you’re asking because you want a reason to believe you are not cis… that seems less cis.
Im a cis male. Watched disney movies with my wife all weekend and we sang to them. Went to see the new little mermaid. I’ve worn a skirt before. I’ve worn fingernail polish and lipstick out in public. I use he/him but they/them is completely fine with me too.
If you think you are cis… thats ok. It’s ok to be cis. It’s ok to be whatever you feel like. In today’s age there seem to be a push to classify people into categories for the hell of it but the underlining premise of that push isnt the classification but that it is ok to be you no matter what that classification is.
This also isnt something you have to arbitrarily decide. For a lot of people their sexuality / gender identification is an ongoing thing that changes with them as the years go by.
We would need more details about how you feel to give you better advice. It’s ok to experiment with pronouns and is not a big issue. There is a sub that I still don’t see in the fediverse called transtryout where people try names/pronouns. Maybe we can help you in the comments by using they/them pronouns.
However it would be nice to open up about how are you feeling about your gender. Don’t be ashamed to feel like it’s a phase. It might be but it might not be, in either case, would be nice to know that some people supported you and didn’t judge you over it.
What other info is needed. Don’t know how to handle this.
To make it clear I still want to be masculine to an extent. But I do like some not masc things
whatever you think might be ok to open up about. Like, why you feel like They/Them fit you better? Do you think like don’t fit into ur gender assigned at birth? What it something that makes you question ur gender? and what might give you some form of euphoria?
I don’t think they them van replace them. I wouldn’t want that. I fit with my assigned gender.Questioning because I don’tmind they them and like bracelets and stuff. Don’t have any disphoria or euphoria.
Would like to try nail polish for some reason. Used to do it when I was like 7.
That is Ok, sounds like ur cis with some aesthetic preferences and that’s ok. You can try out they/them with some friends and you can see if it sticks with you. Plenty of cis guys have their ears pierced, wear bracelets, have nair polish, dye their air, use eyeliner, etc. Feel free to experiment with out appearance in a way that makes you feel comfortable. Best of luck.
I’m assuming you’re a cis man, correct me if I’m wrong.
You can go by they/them and still being a man.
Pronouns sometimes have more to do with expression and aesthetic preferences than with one’s particular gender.
It’s also ok to sometimes or always like things that aren’t masculine that doesn’t deny nor contradicts your cis manhood (same applies to cis women liking things that aren’t feminine or using a set of pronoun different than she/her)
You may be gender non-conforming. If you think this gender nonconformity may influence your gender, I’d suggest you to look up Genderqueer Guy/Man
Some friends I know who feel similarly just don’t bring it up and set their pronouns as ‘any pronouns’ when asked. can’t say if it’ll work for you but it’s an option to consider.
It’s important to know that experimenting is good! Even if nothing changes in the end you’ll learn more about yourself as a person. It’s always worth experimenting with your gender identity just to see what makes you happy and what doesn’t, no matter what anyone else thinks
Thing is my friends don’t believe in gender identity
But they believe in boy/girl. Those are gender identities. Maybe they have to realize that gender identity is a newer term to describe something that has always existed. New vocabulary doesn’t mean the concept was made up to fit the word. The words fit the concept.
Once they are comfortable with the idea of gender identities of boy/girl, they might begin to open up to these “new”(not new!!) ideas of not-quite-boy-but-also-not-really-girl or other combos.
I wish you luck. My journey of gender discovery was tough with people like your friends being all over the place. Children are the most accepting. Be safe. Find yourself <3
To add: I don’t identify by traditional gender. I am non-binary and I use she/her pronouns because that’s what feels right. My doctor(!!) assumed I was they/them because of being non-binary. Even doctors are catching up on all the new knowledge we’re spreading. It will take time for people to accept change.
Sex, gender, pronouns. They don’t have strict combination rules. You do you!
There’s nothing really wrong with experimenting with gender and pronouns and deciding what works for you. If it feels uncomfortable to use they/them go back to he/him. It’s possible to be nonbinary but close to a man as well.
It’s cool you’re thinking about this! Understanding one’s self is the only path to self-improvement.
I’m confused, the labels don’t seem to fit me well. I mostly feel like a guy but I feel that a tiny part of me is non binary.
That’s totally valid too though, nothing wrong with that! Your experience of gender can change over the course of your life or even on a daily basis. It’s a gender journey, not a gender destination.
Cis gendered gay man. I use he/she/they. 🤷♀️
