Image of a screenshot of Twitter of a screenshot of Facebook.
The Facebook screenshot reads:
Fun fact about me: When I’m having a conversation with you, I will periodically bring up personal experiences from my own life, interspersed withing your own stories that you’re telling me. I’m not doing this to try and make the conversation about me, or to take away from your own experience. Actually, what I’m attempting to do, is to try and show you that I do, in fact, understand what you’re trying to tell me, and that I am giving your story my full attention.
It can really be off-putting to some people, so if I’ve ever done this to you during a conversation, I just wanted to make sure you know that I wasn’t trying to take over your story, I was just doing my best to connect with you in the moment.
The screenshot of Twitter reads:
This. I am fully aware that I do this. And I feel so guilty every time, but this. Understand this.
So, what ways do we know to demonstrate active involvement with someone’s story? And when are they appropriate or inappropriate?
Can you think of any more? Are there cultural variations? Any other observations?
This is my big problem. In a group where people are telling stories about themselves, when it’s my turn, my stories are inappropriate somehow. In 50+ years, I still haven’t figured out what I say that’s wrong,
I’ve spent ages analysing my stories compared to others and I can’t figure out the difference, and no one will tell me. Is it the content (seems comparable) or how I tell it?
It seems better to just say ‘pass’ in those situations and stop engaging.
I suspect most of the time, when folks won’t tell you what you did wrong, they don’t really know themselves. Either that or it’s some stupid power play thing where they think you’re trying to challenge their status.
Other option - tell the stories you want to tell, and everyone just has to learn that’s what to expect from you.
Thank you, that helps.
Although if it’s that, I’ll never figure it out. I can’t even begin to relate to that enough to identify it.
You forgot mirroring-repeating what they said back to them as if it was your input. “So what you’re saying is…”
Like you’re a movie character taking a phone call, and you have to provide exposition for the audience? That’s pretty funny
If they get really proficient at it, they’ll start talking like Dora the Explorer.
in my case, I only like the first two and the rest bother me lol
As speaker or listener? All that active listening stuff feels so unnatural to me, and if anything it’s harder to listen if I try to do it myself.
both
I think everything there is what people tend to want except point 1
That, to me, stemmung from my prior experiences, would reduce conversation down to office talk.
Real conversations aren’t like diatribes in the movies, which are really monotribes cuz of singular authors.
The monotribes seem to flow so easily from character to character because, in reality, they are all flowing from the same source.
Real life talking isn’t Person A rants esoteric and emotional and B-unit responds with body language like a fucking NPC. Real talk is two people fleshing out a topic that’s outside themselves, or if it’s a part of themselves, it’s disassociated with to be put under the spotlight. Thru the sharing of experiences with Topic© the 2 parties can assess their knowledge as well as the others knowledge, and glean useful insights, strategies, or get advise that they might not have thought of
Seriously, this is the only form of conversation that even makes evolutionary biological sense. In a world where, once you leave to comforts of society and remember that, as much as a pain in the ass as other people are, without them, alone in the wild, 99% of us are something’s lunch. We forget that little fact really fast. There is nothing more valuable to a person, to their safety, survival, and sanity as another person is. Idk, otherwise just seems like a pov born out of non-introspective privilege.
Fucking I’ll nod along and play supporting character if, and only if, there’s a paycheck attached, and that’s it, end of story.
I’m afraid however much you might not like it, those rote conversations do serve a purpose. It’s the same purpose that other apes fill by picking each other’s fleas - it establishes who is part of the group, who they consider worthy of their time. There’s probably apes that don’t like grooming and don’t see the point in it, but they’ll still struggle if they don’t engage with it in some way.
And that’s why I started my own business and work for myself, so I can decide when I’ve had enough of the social pecking/preening order.
Anyone is worth time. Say something interesting, or something real -not dressed up in pretense, niceties or forcing allusions. An honest question is a simple example, being like 'yo, this might make me dumb but is there a better way to use this tool? It seems harder than someone would intend."
No one responds to that with ridicule, people just offer the help, because the earnesty is appreciated. In fact people generally respond to a humble earnest request as if it’s refreshing for them to hear; whole demeanors change almost instantly, as if some hot knowledge just cut thru the social butter (to mix my metaphors).