I honestly feel bad posting here again, I feel like a burden. It’s just me struggling… so feel free to skip this post and look at more interesting things
the past two months have been much tougher for me than usual, and when I am not doing well, my capacity to interact with other people is pretty close to zero. I feel a very strong desire to be alone. Having other people notice that I am not well is pretty much the worst thing - I can’t talk about what’s wrong, and every time I tried my best expressing myself it didn’t help. All I really get is advice that does not work for me. So I usually try to pretend I am okay, but at a certain point I can’t even really do that anymore.
problem is I’m not living alone. I’ve skipped quite a number of meals in the past week because I don’t want to get into conversations that I don’t want to have. I feel like it would be disastrous unmasked, that’s why I go this far just to avoid interaction. both of my roommates judge me for spending so much time in my room and I think they tell me to get out every time they see me. I never know how to react to that. Being open about my mental health isn’t a good idea - it will end up in them giving me advice that might work for neurotypical, and then they’d blame me if I don’t follow their advice. They already kind of do that. I’ve told one of them about my diagnosis but I don’t really think that has no meaning for him.
I feel pathetic skipping dinner anything because I want to avoid social interactions. But in all honesty, I still think it is not worth the stress.
This is why I concluded that I can’t live in shared housing. Thankfully my social phobia isn’t triggered by living with a partner or I’d be fucked as far as affording housing.
I don’t have any useful advice or way to help, but you’re not a burden and you’re not the only one to feel this way. Sorry if that’s not exactly comforting.
You could try writing out a letter to give them or a script for yourself to read to them? I find writing things out gives me enough distance from the problem to be able to gather my thoughts.
I’ll think about that, thanks.
@nichtsowichtig @teraflopsweat “Scripting” is a common tool for us, though in most cases it’s just rehearsing lines and establishing conversation patterns and flows.
Groups like this are also great places to get together and workshop communication ideas, from figuring out something accessible to say to get your needs met to other forms of communication, or even just validation when there isn’t a reasonable way forward.
I think you have larger problems than the extent of this post, but honestly what worries me the most right now is that you’re missing meals. The foundations for any person’s health is food + rest, and letting your mental issues consistently get in the way in those has a large risk of turning into a vicious cycle. If you cannot eat with your family, you should take food to your room.
I suspect that you haven’t done this because you think this will create conflict at home. If this is correct, you have to face this question: how much are you willing to let your physical health deteriorate before you decide to find a solution? Are you willing to have someone else impose their solution on you later down the line?
I’m sorry if you feel like I’m pushing you towards a situation that you instinctively feel as problematic, but you have to take some minimum care of the foundations before you fix the roof. Do not feel bad for asking for help, everyone feels at a lost sometimes through their life.
Sometimes I just lie and tell poeple I’m sick. Something like a sinus infection or headache. Easy to get, not necessarily any visible symptoms. Explains the lack of appetite too. They don’t necessarily need to know the exact reason you are keeping to yourself.
I do that too. But I wish I could live around people I could just be honest to and have them understand. I feel bad and dishonest. It’s pretty much masking - it helps you survive but it makes you a shell of a person.
It sure does!
It isn’t worth the stress for me either. I keep my interaction with other people to a minimum, and try to save most of the interaction energy I have for my family. Keeping up a mask around neurotypicals is exausting. I feel for you.
By this
Having other people notice that I am not well is pretty much the worst thing
Do you mean
- Feeling shame/guilty/etc about how you’re perceived by others, or
- Needing to manage their reactions (like, what you talked about for the rest of your post)
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Are you neurotypical? Because following this advice typically drives autists to a meltdown.
Maybe a fellow autist who is suffering deep in his mask saying “this is fine” and not even wondering why the sight of autistic happiness makes him so irrationally angry.
