Thanks for the offer, but for the proper effect you’d have to fall in love with me for a few years, then break up with me, with me getting weirdly clingy and longing in the following “trying to be friends” phase, slowly realizing what a bad influence I had been in your life and crashing into the realization that it was pure hubris of me to think I could be deserving of love and in a healthy relationship to begin with. That sort of messed-upness doesn’t come that easy.