My wife found out Saturday through an ancestry.com DNA test that her dad is not her actual biological father. Her mother had a supposed one time incident with a man she found on Facebook through the names on the ancestry test. Her parents separated when she was 6. She wasn’t close with her dad over the years, but there was nothing ugly about it. Now she has been getting closer with him. She doesn’t want to tell him that he’s not her biological father, as that would hurt the relationship.

I told her she needs to tell him, because honesty is a building block of a relationship and that he’s still her father. If he finds out through the test that he took too (and didn’t put it together that she’s not his), then he will be devastated that she didn’t say anything. My question is, should she tell him or not?

I’ll support her decision either way, but I think honesty is the right thing. The right thing isn’t always the easy thing. I understand that her Dad, who raised her, will always be her true father to her.

  • wjrii@kbin.social
    2·
    2 years ago

    This is something we used to deal with regularly on /r/adoption and /r/genealogy. As painful as it is, there’s just no good way to keep a secret like this once the genie is out of the bottle. There are too many ways for it to click for Dad, and too many different vectors for the information to make it to him even if he doesn’t piece things together.

    Only she can make the decision and only she knows her dad, but OP’s wife should probably have a private conversation with him and explain that the test is not wrong, with sensitivity and emotional truth. Of course he’ll be hurt and embarrassed. He might be angry, but by hiding it, especially when he’s interested in AncestryDNA (which, btw, is rock solid at this scale), she’d just be adding onto the list of people who’ve lied to him and who decided they were equipped to make decisions for him. She’s just hoping to play kick the can until he dies, and that’s no way to have an honest relationship with someone you love.

    The toolset available to those who want to be unfaithful has simply shrunk in the last 10-20 years. There is a lot of family hurt that is coming out due to it, and IMHO it is a fool’s errand to try to deny it exists, rather than mitigate it with love and empathy.