There’s this rising narrative going around that if you ask specifically for a CIS partner, you’re a transphobe. That could be true for some people but it’s not fundamentally related to bigotry. Moreover, this narrative, the “if you only want a CIS mate then that is prejudice” is trampling on one of the most important rights a person can have: the right to choose who they want to get intimate with.
First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women. Let’s get that out of the way. This isn’t a foot in the door for “trans this really isn’t that” narratives. What this is about it is the freedom to choose who you want to be intimate with. That right is sancrosanct, it is absolutely inviolable.
And yes, there’s plenty of issues that make transgender dating a special issue. If someone reveals their TG status they can be open to hate crimes and even deadly violence. However all marginalized groups are special in their own way. As a black man I don’t think it’s racist if a woman says she doesn’t want to date a black man. I face oppression, too. My class is special in its own way. One group isn’t more special than the other. None of us have the right to force ourselves upon those who don’t want to be intimate with us, even by omitting who we really are.
Really, if you have to deceive or hide who you are in order to date someone, do you really want to date them? I wouldn’t. That’s not fair to you and you’re denying them their right to choose who they want. What do you think will happen when the person wants a CIS mate and they discover the truth? They’re going to get pissed and dump you. Now you have to shame them into staying with you: “If you loved me for real this wouldn’t bother you”… that’s not going to convince anyone. They’re either going to leave, or they’ll resent you forever. That’s just how it is. You can be mad at that but that’s about as effective as protesting the rising of the sun. There’s just no way to win once you’ve gone down that road.
“I want a CIS mate” is not the same as “trans women are not women” - one is a preference, the other is harmful prejudice. On the flip side CIS people who do date trans people shouldn’t be shamed for their choices either. A man should be free to date a trans woman and not catch flak about it. Trans people should be able to be openly trans and not face hate speech or threats to their well-being. This, without any exception whatsoever.
The fundamental fact is when you shame or worse abrogate people’s right to choose who they want to get intimate with, it’s not going to end well for you. All you’re going to get is people who resent being coerced or bullied to date people they don’t want to. And that’s not something the country, or the world, will ever put up with. Except that right now, most people don’t imagine they can be labeled a transphobe just for wanting a CIS mate. And unpopular opinion: that should be nipped in the bud.
I’m trans. I think the reason people get upset is because of the reason behind the preference. That reason can be totally valid, to totally shitty, and people assume either the best or the worst depending on their perspective usually. A trans person seeing this might assume “oh boy another transphobe” while a cis person would think “yep and I won’t date a person who owns cats because I’m deadly allergic” and carry on.
On top of that a blanket “I won’t date trans people” rule tends to ignore “outliers” like nonbinary, intersex, or gender fluid people, which can feel pretty bad when the underlying reason doesn’t fit the actual real life scenario you might be in.
Here’s a few reasons behind the preference that I can think of:
I’m straight and want bio kids - Fair enough, either your partner is cis or they aren’t compatible for that goal, or you’re getting into the nonbinary grey area.
I don’t want to deal with the extra baggage, potential judgement from peers, or mental/physical health comorbidities that come with transition - kinda bleh but its your choice and only you can really decide what you’re willing to invite on yourself, but it feels crappy for trans people who definitely didn’t ask to be trans either.
I’m attracted to specific genital configurations - that’s your preference, but it sort of ignores any post op trans people, which feels really shitty if as a trans person you’ve done this major surgery to be happier and more yourself, and people just assume you haven’t, and won’t talk to or engage with you over something you already changed, through a very intensive and difficult process. Overall though genital preferences are perfectly fine, people just don’t like saying “I only like penis” because it sounds weird, so they substitute “I only like cis men” thinking that’s a less awkward alternative.
I don’t think trans people are who they identify as - real shit and the kind of people most are actually mad at when people day "I won’t date trans people.
Anyways, I’m sure there are more, but the point I’m trying to make is, saying you won’t date trans people is just kinda vague. Many people will assume the worst, which is on them, but it would help to clarify and be clear about what your real preference is, or why you have it. For instance “I want to have bio kids someday, so if we aren’t compatible on that level then that is a dealbreaker” or “I’m straight and I’m only interested in Cis or post op trans women” which with a couple extra words clearly portrays that its a genital preference without explicitly saying it.
TLDR: having preferences is perfectly fine but when people judge you it’s because it isn’t clear why you have that preference, and usually ignores outliers. Clarification, while maybe a bit longer or more complicated, would eliminate the anger in most cases. The people who still get upset are likely to be angry no matter what.
Thank you for this response. I can totally understand your points. The true transphobes out there have given a bad name for anyone who only dates CIS people.
Rather than pushing to have people explain why they prefer CIS only to show they’re not transphobes, I would propose a compromise: these same people should not be questioned about their preferences but they also should not offended by trans people or those who date them. Help make a society where trans people aren’t second class citizens. Though some people will say “only dating CIS people makes trans people second class citizens no matter the reason” and I really can’t hope to satisfy them. I think we go down a dangerous road if we start demanding why someone doesn’t want to date someone else and they haven’t given off OTHER bigoted vibes.
I don’t think there’s a solution that is going to make everyone happy but I’m willing to join the dialog (in good faith) to keep tinkering until we find the best one that respects everyone’s freedom of choice.
Oh yeah, the assumption of bad intentions is not a good thing either, I generally try to assume the best of people when other signs of ill intent are missing, so I totally get it. I just point out the clarification aspect for if you want to head off the more defensive folks at the pass is all.
The main problem with this is: Nobody should have to justify or explain anything.
The oddest thing about this whole post is that people who may or may not have been in a group that was attacked or judged over who they are are… attacking and judging people over who they are. It makes no sense to me.
Trans people are marginalized af. Speaking as a black man, I am familiar with how that works. They’re scared and they see where the roots of murdering trans people come from. It comes from people who say “Ewwww trans”. Our society shames people who date trans people.
Remember that Married With Children episode where Bud Bundy dated a woman who mentioned him as her love and then came out on TV as trans and it destroyed him emotionally, and it was implied his almost non-existent social standing was put out of its misery for good by that incident? That’s Truth in Television. Also see that quote/insult in the movie Aliens: “oh but the one you had was male!” (implying genderfluid/trans/etc). That’s our real life society right now.
When a trans person attacks and judges someone over who they refuse to date, that’s a reaction to being oppressed. It’s wrong, it’s ironic, but the fear behind it is justified. Calling out and fighting this ironic hypocrisy cannot stand alone, it must be accompanied by a validation and understanding of their fear, which is legitimate, and an increased effort to stop the hate that is fueling their fear. We’ve seen what happens over and over again when we fail to pair the two together: the legitimately aggrieved group (and more than one group does this) starts saying “we’re laughing at you as a class and you’re afraid of being a target of that, but we’re afraid of you killing us” and dialog aimed at achieving meaningful progress toward equality takes a big fat hit due to the unnecessary antagonism.
Not looking for a partner anymore anyway, but the first one is my only reason. If we got to a point medically/scientifically where bio kids were possible then that sole reason would go away.
I’m fine ending up with no kids because I and/or my partner are infertile and we don’t know yet, but I’m not fine starting a relationship wanting something that the other person knows I can’t have with them and not telling me until later.
Honestly I think it would be helpful if the dating apps just had some hidden questions like “are you interested in having kids?” and if yes also asked “do you want biological kids?” and if you answer them your potential matches are automatically filtered down. I have two rationales for this, 1. because it frees up space in bio and keeps your preferences semi-private, and 2. it avoids potentially awkward conversations or other potentially awkward public judgemental. (I’m guessing there aren’t already questions like this.)
Bullet 3: a post op vagina isn’t a vagina. It could be great, very satisfying, convincing, whatever,… but it potentially isn’t the exact biological “thing” you are seeking.
I’m not discrediting people who have taken a step to align themselves, or judging, but a surgery result simply isn’t a birth result.
Is this logically consistent? I’m not trying to cut down, but it could be possible that “the right shape” isn’t enough to qualify someone’s “attracted to specific genital configuration”
Unless you’re expecting kids, if you can’t tell the difference, why does it matter?
What if you’re seeking a bio vagina? Like, I’m not disparaging anyone.
Ultimately, is there any appropriate way to seek a bio cis woman without being bigoted?