Why not assume they are having a bad day, they are just out of a previous relationship and they want a break, your just not their type (even if you had all the abs and a chiseled jaw and confidence they wouldn’t be interested), what if they aren’t into your gender, or what if they are in a committed relationship with their horse?
There are a lot of things that can cause it to be a no deal that are not your fault. If you feel like you did a good job asking, then it is probably one of the above.
And yet every other comment on this post is “just have confidence; change how you act and look and you’ll stop being rejected.”
It’s so silly to keep acting like attractiveness has zero to do with dating and likeability. Especially when there are permanent issues that are genetic or medical or whatever that go beyond “get a haircut and buy new clothes.” American society is super judgemental in general when it comes to appearance and aging (especially toward women), and identity. It gets much worse in the dating scene, especially now that it’s so frequently based on swiping left or right on a single photo and you’re competing with filters. Yes, there’s always the possibility of finding a group of people or a person that you fit in with, and you should always put work into finding that (if that’s something you want - not everyone wants to be paired off) but let’s stop throwing realism completely out the window ffs.
It could be, which is why my comment “friends, family, therapy” is useful, I think. If you’re noticing a pattern that’s upsetting you that you think could be an issue, talk with your friends, family, and a therapist about it. It can be difficult to identify issues we bring to relationships. It also might not be anything to do with you, though, so that’s where the support from others can prevent a bad pattern of beating ourselves up unnecessarily comes in.
Someone replied that therapy may be inaccessible, but now more than ever there are tons of sliding scale therapists, groups, etc that can meet in person or online, even for free. And honestly, I’m grappling with the issue myself that I need to prioritize my mental health and not let the monetary set back be an excuse. It’s an investment that will pay off
People with healthy egos are able to register that someone does not want them as a romantic partner without having a crisis, yes.
I see I’ve upset some users today. This may seem like stating the obvious but clearly some people here need to hear it:
If you are emotionally devastated by rejection you likely do not have a healthy ego or self-image. This is the confidence part.
Assigning responsibility for fixing your self-image to a potential romantic partner is seeking external validation for an internal problem.
No amount of external validation will fix you. It will only feed the unhealthy expectations you’re already acting on.
Confidence is the external display of a healthy self-image (overconfidence is another example of external display of an unhealthy self-image).
Potential partners can sense your desperation for validation and it is not an attractive personality trait. It’s basically saying “I need you to do this emotional labor for me because I am not strong enough”.
Surely there exists a middle ground between being devastated by rejection and not registering continuous rejection as, perhaps, a sign that the rejectors have a point.
Emotional resilience is great, but if people keep giving you the same feedback maybe they have a point (and you should try changing, rather than brute forcing your way through social interactions, hoping to get lucky).
I’m not saying that you’re denying this, so I am jumping over some discussion, but tbf I think we’re both doing it.
I don’t think this is your intent, but likely the reason people are annoyed by your comments is they come off as “have you tried NOT having emotional trauma?”. You might not mean them that way, but that’s how they read as an outsider to all this. Whether or not your strategy is a good one, dismissing people’s emotional experiences is never going to win anyone over or change minds. If you’d like to help people gain confidence, I would encourage you to meet them where they are, not where you are.
But repeated rejection has an effect of reinforcing our undesirableness, and takes a toll on our self-esteem. How do people cope with this?
Friends, family, therapy.
Also if therapy is too expensive, group therapy, or just time
Why assume a rejection is because of you?
Why not assume they are having a bad day, they are just out of a previous relationship and they want a break, your just not their type (even if you had all the abs and a chiseled jaw and confidence they wouldn’t be interested), what if they aren’t into your gender, or what if they are in a committed relationship with their horse?
There are a lot of things that can cause it to be a no deal that are not your fault. If you feel like you did a good job asking, then it is probably one of the above.
This goes in all matters. The people who succeed don’t take everything personally.
Everyone who’s deflected N rejections and given life advice to others based on that, has not yet experienced N+1 rejections.
Was it bad advice, or are you just maudlin because you know I am right?
100% of women I tried getting with rejected me, surely this is because of me.
It’s like ya’ll motherfuckers need to memorize the serenity prayer.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Things I cannot change:
OK now what?
Now you hit on autistic people. Comes with the pro that they’ll be more likely to find your infodumping socially acceptable or even enjoyable.
And yet every other comment on this post is “just have confidence; change how you act and look and you’ll stop being rejected.”
It’s so silly to keep acting like attractiveness has zero to do with dating and likeability. Especially when there are permanent issues that are genetic or medical or whatever that go beyond “get a haircut and buy new clothes.” American society is super judgemental in general when it comes to appearance and aging (especially toward women), and identity. It gets much worse in the dating scene, especially now that it’s so frequently based on swiping left or right on a single photo and you’re competing with filters. Yes, there’s always the possibility of finding a group of people or a person that you fit in with, and you should always put work into finding that (if that’s something you want - not everyone wants to be paired off) but let’s stop throwing realism completely out the window ffs.
– a woman
Sounds like he’s figuring out the difference.
How many women are we talking about here? I got rejected by 40ish before I met my last girlfriend.
About 5.
That’s a good start. Don’t fear the man who suceeds the first time. Fear the man who has failed thousands of times.
It could be, which is why my comment “friends, family, therapy” is useful, I think. If you’re noticing a pattern that’s upsetting you that you think could be an issue, talk with your friends, family, and a therapist about it. It can be difficult to identify issues we bring to relationships. It also might not be anything to do with you, though, so that’s where the support from others can prevent a bad pattern of beating ourselves up unnecessarily comes in.
Someone replied that therapy may be inaccessible, but now more than ever there are tons of sliding scale therapists, groups, etc that can meet in person or online, even for free. And honestly, I’m grappling with the issue myself that I need to prioritize my mental health and not let the monetary set back be an excuse. It’s an investment that will pay off
That circles back around to confidence
But being constantly rejected circles back to breaking down one’s confidence.
If it’s breaking down your confidence than you are not ok with rejection.
Is anyone truly ok with constant rejection?
People with healthy egos are able to register that someone does not want them as a romantic partner without having a crisis, yes.
I see I’ve upset some users today. This may seem like stating the obvious but clearly some people here need to hear it:
If you are emotionally devastated by rejection you likely do not have a healthy ego or self-image. This is the confidence part.
Assigning responsibility for fixing your self-image to a potential romantic partner is seeking external validation for an internal problem.
No amount of external validation will fix you. It will only feed the unhealthy expectations you’re already acting on.
Confidence is the external display of a healthy self-image (overconfidence is another example of external display of an unhealthy self-image).
Potential partners can sense your desperation for validation and it is not an attractive personality trait. It’s basically saying “I need you to do this emotional labor for me because I am not strong enough”.
No one wants to do your emotional work for you.
Surely there exists a middle ground between being devastated by rejection and not registering continuous rejection as, perhaps, a sign that the rejectors have a point.
Emotional resilience is great, but if people keep giving you the same feedback maybe they have a point (and you should try changing, rather than brute forcing your way through social interactions, hoping to get lucky).
I’m not saying that you’re denying this, so I am jumping over some discussion, but tbf I think we’re both doing it.
I don’t think this is your intent, but likely the reason people are annoyed by your comments is they come off as “have you tried NOT having emotional trauma?”. You might not mean them that way, but that’s how they read as an outsider to all this. Whether or not your strategy is a good one, dismissing people’s emotional experiences is never going to win anyone over or change minds. If you’d like to help people gain confidence, I would encourage you to meet them where they are, not where you are.
“Trust me bro, you need to be confident bro, just work on yourself bro”
Always said by the 9/10 fit guy who never struggled with relationships. Same energy as “just stop being poor”.
No, no one is fully ok with it. This entire thread is like the emperor’s new clothes or something.
no it doesn’t
Yesn’t it does!
Alcohol!
Alcohol is magical. It lowers her standards and raises your confidence. … I mean, alcohol is bad.
Fake it till you make it. Confidence still works, even if its faked