While she had no regrets about throwing the lever to douse her husband’s mistress in molten gold, Blanche did feel a pang of conscience for the innocent bystanders whose proximity had caused them to suffer gilt by association.

• Adam Chmelka, Olathe, KS

I think this one is my fav

Banger after banger

I would like an AI language model to be trained only on these submissions.

You can be god damn sure I’ve just submitted one.