Heyyy, I am so sorry for missing two full weeks, and barely beeing online. Tl;dr: had a bad depressive episode. Yet i still managed to read all new posts and comments in the meantime. i apprechiate all you people very much, even when socialising can be impossible. Love to you all!
Not sure if it’s ok to post this here, and I kind of hope nobody sees it, but I just need to vent a little anxiety, hopefully. Will likely delete this later. You surely know the drill.
I foolishly tried coming out of my shell a bit, in a “friendly” gaming community. I made what I thought was a friend, and we’d chat daily, mostly about silly game stuff. Nothing deep, but it was nice to have a bit of socialization. I noticed some other players saying bigoted stuff from time to time, and shrugged it off, because it’s hard to escape that garbage entirely in the gaming community; too many 14-year-old edge lords and the like.
Then, I noticed some racist dog whistles in player names. I asked my friend, in a private DM “Hey, keep this between us, but do you think this might be a Nazi server? Look at X, Y and Z examples” He just went “Huh, donno”, so I changed the subject. He eventually went to bed, I wished him well, and just played the game after that.
The next day, I sign onto the Discord, and see that the admin has posted a giant rant for everyone to see. He knew the entire text conversation I’d had the night before, because my “friend” sent it to him. The admin was extremely offended and angry, and said as much, harshly. He’d omitted all context (that I’d seen a bunch of nasty stuff and was concerned), and left it at me calling all of them Nazis. He’d rallied the entire server against me.
These were all people I was friendly with, for 2 years. All I’d ever done was compliment and encourage people there, and they all instantly turned on me. The cherry on top, is that the bigots were in there commenting on the admin’s rant, talking about how ignorant and prejudiced I am.
I tried explaining myself, and apologizing for the miscommunication, but nobody replied. I mean, crap. I feel like rocket fuel is flowing through my body, and if experience has taught me anything, I’ve got at least two weeks of feeling like this.
All I can say is, that was the last time I try to make friends, because something like this seems to happen every time, and I can’t take it anymore. I’d very much rather feel lonely than feel like this. Kindness is perceived as weakness, and in turn, you receive cruelty.
Thanks for reading my dumb sob story. I do feel a little better having written it out, but let’s see how much anxiety creeps in from having this posted online. Likely deletion incoming XD