This will be long, so strap in…

For years I battled with some mental health issues that prevented me from working or studying. Finally, after being very close to going into debt, I managed to get a job last november. I was happy, I had a job at a company that I liked, I had a bf, I was overcoming my agoraphobia and things felt like they were going well. Only thing that sucked was that I was still stuck living with my occasionally abusive and toxic ex, and in my country we’re experiencing a massive housing crisis, so moving out while earning less than min wage is pretty much impossible. Even if I earned above min wage, I’d had to earn a lot to be able to rent a place.

Anyway, piece by piece, things started to deteriorate. I broke up with my bf in january, and while I consider this as either positive or neutral thing, it has left me feeling lonely. One of my and my ex’s cats died in april. Around this time there was also some drama at work, but it luckily was solved. In may one day at work I became extremely confused over what time it was and a coworker took me to a hospital, I won’t go into detail about that day more, but this started a massive decline in my physical health.

I started having issues with my balance, being confused, suffering from headaches/migraines, and lightheadedness. I was unable to work fully anymore, the doctors weren’t helpful, but eventually I got sent to do some tests in a hospital, my appointment is in october. I’ve been on sick leave for over a month now, and I don’t think I’ll be able to return for a while, if ever. My already less than min wage got cut even more, I now earn only 800€/month. Luckily I don’t have to pay for rent or food (my ex earns enough and is nice enough to buy food and also cook, which I am grateful for).

The issue is, my ex decided that he wanted to adopt a kitten. It was “his” cat that died, and he wanted our other cat to have company (the two cats were adopted as kittens about a year ago). His mom, whose cat is actually a littermate of ours, had recently had two kittens and so after a bit of begging from my ex, I agreed to take one of the kittens. He’s adorable, like all kittens, but he is also a menace. He’s scratched on some exposed floor, creating a mess. My ex didn’t seem to give a shit. The kitten is now chewing on cords, got caught in a cord yesterday, climbing the curtains, scratching the rug, and overall just being a hyperactive kitten. Now, my ex works 8h/day, about 6 days a week, and even if he isn’t working, he might just go out at a friends place or be at his mom’s. When he’s home, he cooks, pets the kitten, then goes upstairs to play, leaving the kitten downstairs with me. For someone who really wanted a kitten as bad as he did, he barely interacts with it.

I’m barely able to take care of myself in the state I’m in right now. I’m constantly tired, I don’t sleep well, I can’t stand up for long or at all at times, I have headaches/migraines often… I’m sick. Not sure what it is, but I have a hunch. But yeah, if I stand up too fast or too long or just wrong, I might fall. I already have, and often I can feel my knees going weak even when I just took a few steps to the fridge to get a drink. I can’t really take care of a kitten right now. Nor did I really want to. When I agreed to this, it wasn’t so bad, and my ex said he’d take care of the kitten. He’s barely home, or gives a shit about the furry little menace when he is.

Today I’ve had a bad headache for hours, and I couldn’t properly rest because I had to make sure that little ball of pure energy didn’t chew through a charging cable, or trying to stop him from ripping down our curtains. When my ex came home, he again didn’t bother to play with his kitten to burn off the energy a bit, leaving me to deal with constant noise and stress while I’m trying to rest my head. Not to mention that the house is a total mess. Dishes are piling up, so is the laundry, his half of the house is a total disaster (no proper flooring, half built wall between two bedrooms, months worth of pizza boxes, trash, random screws and construction material, clothes on the floor, etc.). I try to do what I can, but at this point it is not much. I can’t even empty the dishwasher everyday.

I have nobody to help me. I don’t even think my ex believes I’m sick. I feel overall just lonely. I don’t really have friends… I talk to some people online, but that’s it… I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know if this illness is going to be permanent, if my hunch is correct there is no real cure and treatment is also a bit… uncertain. I’m scared. I’m so done that I’ve threatened to take the kitten to a shelter, because clearly my ex doesn’t give a fuck about him, but if I do then I’ll be kicked out. And then what? I get to struggle out on the streets when I can barely walk. And yes, my ex can kick me out and any moment without a warning.

I don’t know if there’s any other way out of this than killing myself. I can’t see any future for myself. My head hurts, I feel tired, I can’t run this house in a state like this, nor do I want to clean up after a 33 year old manchild. I didn’t want to be sick again… Should I just push myself to the limit? Go back to work, clean the whole house? And who cares if I have head splitting migraine. I don’t think anyone would care if I fell and hit my head. Maybe I am just lazy…